In the old days before mirrors were invented people couldn't know exactly what they looked like. They had to rely on other people's descriptions and reactions. This is still true to a great extent when it comes to our personalities. Certainly we may introspect and evaluate our personal character. However, the way that people around us respond to us acts, in some capacity, as a constant mirror reflecting back at us a particular immage of ourselves, often distorted by the person sending the message.
In general, we seem to accept the immage of ourselves that people imply about us with their reactions, and are likely to question only when someone's oppinion of us varies drastically from the oppinions of everyone else. Of course there are many exceptions, but the point is that the impressions of us that are constantly being reflected back at us by other people does inform our own beliefes about ourselves so automatically that we can hardly realise how much influence they may be having on our self-perception.
Much of the time there is an element of 'the chicken or the egg?' with a personal trait triggering certain responces to us which then confirm and perpetuate that trait in ourselves both because we believe we are that way, and because people's expectations herd us in a certain direction. This may happen with both good and bad traits (as well as neutral ones).
For example, if parents are convinced their child is clumsy or irresponcible, they will react to him as if he is incapable and requires help. This sends a message to the child which he is likely to believe: "I am clumsy and irresponcible," or "I am needy". And by acting upon the expectation of their child's incompetance they will likely deprive the child of the opportunity to prove differently to himself. This may go for things such as selfishness or kindness, trustworthiness, perfectionism, shyness, wierdness, picky-ness, moodiness, liklihood to recieve recognition in life, creativity, maturity, independance, etc.
Along with the impressions of ourselves that people send us, there usually comes subtle indications of whether we ought to be the way they think we are or not. What are generally thought of as bad traits aren't always necessarily discouraged, and what may be good traits aren't always necessarilly encouraged, even if when asked straight a person would never claim they wanted us to be one way or another.
In some cases people can become so fixed on one idea of a person that even when that person acts in direct conflict to that expectation they continue to respond based on their prior idea rather than the available evidence. If someone feels 'pidgeon holed' by someone's expectations of them, they may try to cultivate the opposite trait. But notice! The assumption that you need to work on a particular trait assumes you are not already good at it, which shows that you do believe the assumption about yourself.
Frequently people do reflect back roughly a correct immage of our personality and character, and can be a very helpfull source of understanding ourselves. But it seems just as easy for them to relfect back a distorted immage. It seems worth taking a look at some of the assumptions about ourselves which we have always taken for granted. Have these traits been cultivated by other's expectations of us, or did they really orriginate within ourselves?
For example: Are you really nit-picky? (an assumption about yourself which may have both made you think more about paying attention to details, and made you feel guilty about it). Or did a teacher or parent in the past pin this trait onto you? perhaps based on a few uncharacteristic moments that made an impression?
How might your reactions towards others be shaping them?
